Vote Britain BY Alan Bisset’s
People of Scotland, vote with your heart.
Vote
with your love for the Queen who nurtured you, cradle to grave,
Who
protects you and cares, her most darling subjects, to whom you gave
the
glens she adores to roam freely through, the stags her children so dearly enjoy
killing.
First
into battle, loyal and true. The enemy’s scared of you.
That’s
why we send you over the top with your och-aye-the-noo Mactivish there’s been a
murrrderrr jings! crivvens! Deepfriedfuckinmarsbar wee wee dram of whisky hoots
mon there’s a moose loose aboot this smackaddict
Vote,
Jock. Vote, Sweaty Sock. Talk properly.
Vote
with those notes we scrutinise in our shops.
(might
be legal tender but looks dodgy to me)
Vote
for the Highland Clearances. Baaaaaaaaaa.
Vote
for nuclear submarines in your water.
Vote
for the Olympic Games you didn’t vote for
(but
you’ll pay for it, you’ll pay for it).
Vote
Conservative. Vote Lib Dem. Vote Libservative. Vote Condabour.
Vote
with the chip on your shoulder.
Vote Labour.
New Labour. Old Labour. Scottish Labour.
(Get
back in line, Scottish Labour, HQ in Solihull will issue their commands
shortly,
Just
keep the vote coming in from up there thanks goodbye,
Subsidy
junkie).
Vote
for any argument you construct in your defence being ‘anti-English’.
Vote
for Scots who make their career in Scotland being ‘unambitious’.
Vote
for enjoying your own culture being soooooooo parochial.
Vote
God Save the Queen and that bit about us crushing you all.
Hush.
There there.
Vote
for Scotland being refered to as a ‘region’, like, say, Yorkshire? Or East
Anglia?
Vote
for our voices dominating your media, but in no way telling you what to think.
Take a
drink. Go on, son, take a drink.
Vote
for oil revenue, which we ensure flows directly from us into you.
Vote
for being told you’re the only country in the world that could not possibly
survive and that without us you’d fall to pieces like children abandoned in the
wild, caked in faeces.
Vote
Daily Mail and Rupert Murdoch and
illegalimmigrantskilledPrincessDiana
and
London
London London most exciting city in the world darling
(Glasgow is a very violent place,
is it not. Do you have art?)
Vote
wth your heart. Vote Empire. Vote tradition.
Vote
for our proud shared history of
enslavingothernationsandstealingtheirnaturalresources
Bringing
Wealth and Prosperity to the World!
being
on the right side just once and that’s only because it was against yer actual fucking
Hitler
Vote
for the #ScottishConspiracy at Westminster
(who
really runs the show here eh – Blair, Brown – got your own in that time, we
aren’t allowed to vote in Holyrood but there’s Archie McPhee pulling wee
strings in our parliament when we wouldn’t even think about interfering in
how you run your own affairs but while we’re at it, this referendum eh? A
so-called referendum, is it? Have it now, make sure it looks like this)
Vote
for very, very, very rich people patronising you.
Vote
for Glasgow having the highest knife-crime rate and lowest life expectancy in
Europe
due to
our generosity. You may thank us at your leisure.
Vote
for the absence of your history in our schools.
All
Brits together.
Vote
for our shock at your ingratitude!
Vote
for us saying ‘Eh? Eh?’ when you open up your porridge mooth.
Vote
for bafflement about why you want the England football team to lose.
We
always want the Scots to win (except in referenda).
Vote
for psychopathic villains with your accent in a soap opera.
Vote
for tuition fees and student loans, ensuring that the brightest of your
working-class
(since
you still insist upon the term, although Our Leaders had it banned)
will
one day rise and take their place in this great land.
Vote
for us deploying strategic references to Braveheart to dismiss you all.
Vote
for Robert Burns being called by Paxman ‘sentimental doggerel’.
Vote
for The Iron Lady. Such a strong leader, gave this country backbone
(you
didn’t really want the unions, industries or council homes, just made the place
look tatty)
Vote
for a deregulated banking class, lionising of the hardworkingwealthgeneratingjobcreatingentrepreneurs
who
you will in no way refer to as ‘greedy, selfish bastards’. Give them your
taxes.
Vote
for foreign wars.
Yes,
sadly, some of you will die. But you will return to a hero’s welcome
Jock
the
Union Jack, proud symbol of integrity and honour, draped across your coffin
while
your mother, dabbing at her eyes, recalls the words she learned in school
in
Kircudbright
‘There is some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.’
Vote
with your heart.
